Funny Negative Beer Reviews of Popular Beers

The other day I was clicking through the etherwebs when I came across an article that I thought was pretty funny. The author choose some well known and popular travel destinations (Pyramids, Leaning Tower of Piza, etc) and then went to TripAdvisor to see some of the funny things people had to say about these locations in negative reviews.

Although it’s not impossible to imagine that some people may be disappointed when they finally find themselves standing someplace they’ve longed to visit, in most cases it was why they were disappointed and/or how they voiced their displeasure that made the article funny.

My brain quickly switched over to beer (something it probably does far too often) and I wondered if I could find something similar on popular beer review sites like Beer Advocate or Rate Beer. After all, there’s no such thing as the beer that’s “all things to all drinkers” even in the case of the widely agreed upon “white whales”.

The beers I chose are what I consider a good selection of beers that are generally regarded as the best by the craft beer crowd. Ones that you’ll often see at the top of any list generated.

For fun, I also included Arrogant Bastard as it’s one of my favorite beers and I was curious as to what I would find, and in the interest of proximity I included Delaware’s own 90 Minute from Dogfish Head.

Keep  in mind, the goal of this article is NOT to belittle someone’s opinion of a “well loved” beer and to that end I’ve avoided reviews where the reviewer indicated or seemed to indicate that they don’t like the style. I saw no sense in highlighting negative comments about, say an IPA, from someone who states up front that they don’t like IPAs.

No, the purpose of this post is to highlight the creative ways people express their disappointment with a beer that’s well liked among the masses.

So with that, let’s see what some people had to say about your most beloved beers.

HEADY TOPPER (THE ALCHEMIST), IMPERIAL IPA

Maybe it can help you quit smoking:

“Hops are barely existent, there is an inherent smoothness to the beer but it tastes of wet cigarettes. I wish I could say better things, but it almost tastes like a homebew that was not properly sanitized.” (BA)

“Smells of a used dirty ashtray. Not pleasant.” (BA)

Flawless logic:

“For centuries bloodletting was thought to be a good way to cure illness, folks in the 70’s thought it was a good idea to wear a lot of polyester, in 1990 millions of people thought Milli Vanilli produced good music. What’s my point? Humans are prone to mass delusion” (RB)

Maybe we can hang a can from our rear view mirror:

“This beer is better suited to be an air freshener than a drink.” (BA)

Santa’s a jerk:

“With all of the thousands of beers in the world this is the # 1? Not a chance. In the end I felt like a kid who got a beautifully wrapped gift only to discover a bag of sox or underwear inside. What a bummer.” (BA)

Putting the world on notice:

“I’ve been a beer fanatic for a decade and a half, and the beer drinking world has a lot to answer for on this one…I’ve never been so embarrassed for the beer community for rating this so highly. My fear is that the beer scene is being overrun by a bunch of hipsters who think that exclusivity is more important than the art of brewing.” (BA)

ARROGANT BASTARD (STONE BREWING), AMERICAN STRONG ALE

Probably not a brewery rep:

“SICKENING and I think they must be a joke from the brewmaster. This is a wast of money and DISGUSTING. Horrid, I would drink a Bud light any day over this.” (BA)

Never knock truth in advertising:

“So they said on the label that I probably would not like that beer, and man were they right…Product sucked.” (BA)

No holding back:

“This wretched beer is an amatuer-hour, bad home brew, ill-conceived bottle of mess. Outside its bigger, dumber brother “double bastard”, it’s perhaps top the crap-heap of overrated beers” (RB)

Perceived value:

“If there is a FIAT beer, like the US dollar, something that has value only because it or someone says it does, this is it.” (BA)

Mega points for the 80’s Hair Metal reference:

“It’s like Yngwie Malmsteen’s guitar playing. Yeah, he’s the fastest, but it’s not a race. Play something good, we know you have the skills.” (BA)

There’s a lot of redundancy out there:

“It reminds me very much of a Shiner Bock in taste and consistency.” (RB)

Every beer has a purpose:

“If you are looking for flavor, intricateness, beauty, statements of faith for micro brews, this is not your beer. If you are hoping you’ll look like an asshole buying this in the grocery line this might be for you.” (BA)

FOUNDERS CBS IMPERIAL STOUT (FOUNDERS BREWING CO), IMPERIAL STOUT

I don’t see how those three things could possible be made to taste gross. But, OK:

“This resembles a mixture breakfast sausage and vanilla, doused in maple syrup.
And I mean that in the worst way possible…I’m sorry but the taste is just gross.” (BA)

Some people’s drains drink better beer than you do:

“After Darklord, Darkness and KtG, another huge overly sweet letdown from the USA. Drain pour. Hype hype hype” (BA)

TWO HEARTED ALE (BELL’S BREWERY), AMERICAN IPA

To the point:

“I don’t know, maybe the one i picked up was old and had gone bad, but it was absolute shit. Nothing pleasant about it.”

Well trout are close to bass I guess:

“Easily the worst “IPA” I’ve ever tasted…if you can actually call it an IPA. Has about as much hops and character as a Bass ale. I am flummoxed as to how this beer is so sought after and over hyped.” (BA)

That’s hysterical:

“Way too flowery. The extreme hop level made me feel like I was drinking a ’wet-nap’” (RB)

How do you poorly make a boiler maker?

“Tasted like a poorly-made boiler-maker. I see the reviews here and I scratch my head and wonder why.” (BA)

Fishy?:

“It tastes like what the label looks like.” (BA)

Who says beer isn’t for breakfast?:

“Come on guys!! You really need to get out and try more IPA’s This beer is a fraud. It tastes like Fruit Loops! Seriously?” (RB)

TRAPPIST WESTVLETEREN 12 (XII)

Prankster Monk’s are a serious issue:

“Maybe I’m on hidden camera…in fact, I hope so. Maybe I’d chuckle and wag my finger at the scalawag who expertly placed their bullshit attempt at a quad in this bottle and expertly recapped it…Prankster Monk possibility aside, this is one “world class” beer that’s hitting my fucking drain.” (BA)

I love annual traditions:

“I personally don’t have the want to drink this more than once a year at most.” (BA)

This is a thing? Man some people suck:

“If this is the holy grail its one and done for me. I hope that I have been duped and I bought one of those counterfeit beers.”

Well it still sounds like some kind of effort:

“If I’ll be at the Belgium coast on vacation next year, I’ll again buy a crate, but for me this beer is not worth any effort! Very disappointing and absolutely overrated!!”

PLINY THE ELDER (RUSSIAN RIVER BREWING), IMPERIAL IPA

Or maybe just less cigarettes:

“bad. And the the hype surrounding this beer made it taste even worse. Tasted like cigarettes, burnt toast, and alcohol. Needs A LOT more malt.” (BA)

I think I’ll pick pine cone:

“Tasted like a pine cone or kitty litter, take your pick, Very short after taste that finished like balsa wood.” (BA)

You have cheese on your nose:

An odd, French cheese stink on the nose. Very pungent. Harsh bite and flavor. No idea why it’s so popular. A particularly bland hop hit of an IPA. (RB)

Hand me a thesaurus:

“Would I feel badly saying directly to the brewer that I didn’t like it? Yup. Would I still say that it’s one dimensional – low on the body and malt flavors, wicked bitter and one dimensional? Well, maybe not in those words, but I hope that I would.” (BA)

Not your Beer and Savior:

“Yo beer world, you need to get your shit checked cause this beer is just alright. There is nothing wrong with it, but it sure as hell isn’t the second coming of beer Jesus, thats for damn sure.” (BA)

The perfect segue:

“I’m not that sophisticated yet, so I’ll take a Dogfish Head 90 Minute over “The Elder” any day.” (RB)

90 MINUTE (DOGFISH HEAD BREWING) IMPERIAL  IPA

Is this a Yahoo comment section? Obama?

“What’s ther to say about this beer that hasn’t already been said about Obama. It’s empty promises and positive reviews don’t give justice for the pure evil and harshness that is this beer.”

But the movie Disney makes from it will make HUGE coin:

“If this is a typical example of Dogfish Head’s product I honestly cannot understand all the praise they get. It’s like a comic book–big loud bright colors and lots of superficial flash, but no subtlety or balance.”

That must have been some kind of lady:

“I bought 2 cases of this crap only to be thoroughly disappointed. I’m a hop head so i was expecting a hop bomb. What I got was a beer that tasted worse than my first girlfriend.”

Maybe clear bottles would help:

“I can only hope it’s a bad batch that was somehow infected. Frankly, skunking would have improved the flavor.”

If at first you don’t succeed:

“I’ve had this beer about 10 times now, and every time I hate it.”

Talk about cutting your losses:

“This beer makes me want to never drink anything brewed east of the Mississippi. (And west of…let’s say, Wales.)”

With two you get eggroll:

“Soy sauce aroma with hints of Panda Express Orange Chicken.” (RB)