An Email with Important Information For MY Website

It’s October.  Which means my spare time has been used perusing home haunt blogs, refitting and refurbing tombstones, and trying to get all the digital/electronic/computer equipment I use for MY home haunt to please, please do what I ask of it for one more year.

So sadly, I’ve been a little lax on the blog lately.  However, the other day I received an email with the subject “Important Information for YOUR Website” that was so unique, that I had to share.  I receive these interesting letters from time-to-time about how I can improve my blog, or my brand, or my sex life.  And while I usually pay these emails no mind, this one was extra special.  I mean, I don’t want to knock on anyone, they’re just doing their best to drum up some business for themselves, and I’m sure there ARE hundreds of things  I could do to bring more traffic to my blog, increase my brand exposure, or have sex like a prized stud bull for hours (which I’m not really sure my girlfriend truly wants, but certainly a bunch of internet strangers would know better than she, right?).  But what they’re offering is a service that seems to be so much more than what  is needed by a little mom-and-pop beer blog like mine.  Kinda like using a nail gun to kill stink bugs in the house.

Hold still honey.  I'll get it.
Hold still honey. I’ll get it.

So as a service to all the businesses out there that want to aid me in my quest to be the 8,675,309 ranked beer blog in the world, I’ve responded to some of the email’s statements just so you all know what their dealing with here at tDoB.  So that in the future you companies are aware that you might be barking up the wrong blog.  Also, although I’m CERTAINLY not the writer in this community, I’m going to take this opportunity to point out some “business email” do’s and don’ts.   But don’t tell Tracey.  She really doesn’t want me to be a dick anymore.  The body of the letter I received is written in orange.

Hi Team,

*looks left, looks right* Team?  Team?  Oh yeah!  Say hi back, team!

Counter-Clockwise from seated: The Researcher, The Taster, The Blogger, and...and...well to be honest we don't let him do much, but Mom says we have to include him...
The “Team”, Counter-Clockwise from seated: The Researcher, The Taster, The Writer, and…and…well to be honest we don’t let him do much, but Mom says we have to include him…

Hope you are doing fine.

I am, thank you for asking.  I hope you are doing fine as well.

I thought you might like to know some of the reasons why you are not getting enough organic traffic & most often you stick to Ad words to get more traffic which is quite expensive and the chances is high of getting a spam traffic as well.

Why must we use the word “organic”.  I’m sure everyone who comes to my site has at least a few carbon and hydrogen atoms in them, even if it’s only from the beer they’re drinking.  “Traffic” will do.  But just so you all know, outside buying the beer I review, I haven’t spent a dime on this puppy.  In fact, since it’s gotten me into two beer events and one beer dinner for free, and has actually caused bar owners to buy me a beer once or twice, I consider this endeavor solidly in the black.   Also, when you send out a letter trying to sell people that you can improve their site and it contains the phrase “and the chances is high of getting a spam traffic as well”, well that’s just borderline creepy.

Let me tell you that your website still does not organically rank on major search engine’s first page for most of the popular keywords, which means people searching for your products are not able to find your website and you are losing traffic.

Keywords, keywords.  Well, if I type in “The Dogs of Beer” which I guess is what you’d consider my “product”, I’m first in Bing, Yahoo and Google; and my Facebook page is within the top six or so results for each engine.  I think that’s pretty good; and pretty much all I need or can expect.  Now if someone out there could get me those kind of results when someone searches for “craft beer”, “best beer blogs” or “Miley Cyrus Twerking”, I’d be more than happy to listen.

Some of the major factors which can be overcome for your website to rank well in SERP organically and increase your social media presence are:

1.       Seems like your website carries a lot of technical errors which prevents search engine to crawl and index your website properly.

Thank you for letting me know.  WordPress can expect a harshly worded email pertaining to my displeasure that their platform contains a lot of technical errors.  And I’m sure my fellow WordPress bloggers will also be interested in knowing this as well.  Blogspot can expect a wave of new users any day now.

2.       Your website needs a proper keyword selection and optimization.

I seriously have tried to hide the phrase “asian porn” in as many places as I could.  But the search engines today are just too smart.

3.       Your website is not well furnished with enough quality and theme based back links.

If you had left off the “and theme based back links.” I probably would have had to agree with you.  But now that I had to look up “theme based backlinks”, I feel I have to respond.  For those who don’t care to spend the energy to look the phrase up like I did, basically it translates to “get the link (or name) to your blog on everything on the internet you can”.  Which over the past year, I believe I have…

A viral picture from the unveiling of the iPhone 5 showed a demonstrator surfing my blog.
backlink 2
The Dogs of Beer expansion pack for Minecraft is doing quite well in the computer gaming community.
The ad space I took out at some of the more prestigious award show red carpets ended up in several viral photos.

And then of course there’s the most important thing I did over the last couple of months to get my blog’s name our there

OK, maybe I didn't do this just for the blog
OK, maybe I didn’t do this one just for the blog

4.       Your website should be more inclined towards Social media promotion and a regular updates in major social networks.

Gee, every post I publish goes to my Twitter account and Facebook page.  Some go to Google Plus, and a good portion go to Reddit, but I still don’t have enough Social Media?  Should I be doing 6.5 second beer reviews on Vine (ok, I actually thought of trying that one, but still….)?  Oh, and your habit of placing the word “a” in places where it’s not needed is getting to be really disturbing.

5.       Missing quality web and promotion contents (Article, Blogs etc.) which is preventing your website to gain more authority and ranking in Web Market.

Wait, so my blog needs its own blog?   Hmmmm, some of us have discussed the subject of having two blogs before, but I don’t remember anyone every suggesting writing a blog about a blog.  Ok, I think what they’re trying to say is that my site should be mentioned ON more blogs and in more articles.  I suppose I could shoot a brewer in a John Hinckley, Jr like cry for attention.  That’ s bound to get me mentioned in some of the higher level beer publications.  And you have to admit, trying to write a beer blog from prison would be a angle that no one’s done  yet.

It has a ....
“The yeast prisoner 85594 is using gives the Pruno a funky/marshy flavor.  Either that or toilet water seeped into the baggie when it was hidden during the last shakedown.”

In the present day scenario it’s very essential to take a proper care of your website and keep it updated with fresh and original contents.

Agree.  But the contents are as fresh and original as they’re going to get.  I mean, if I were really good at this, I probably could have written something better than a post making fun of your email.

There are many additional improvements which can help your website to gain more traffic and visibility. If you are interested to learn more and curious to know how we can help you to improve your website to get a higher traffic, then I would be glad to provide you a detailed proposal for your website.

It would be funny to do this.  Just to see what they said.  Oh, and there’s that “a” again! Were they on sale or something?

Our clients’ consistently tell us that their customers find them because they are on the top of Google. Being on the top of Google is the best thing you can do for your sales and online reputation.

Again, I’m not selling anything people.  So although I appreciate the offer of assistance, it’s not required.  Reputation?  Oh, there’s nothing you can do on that battle line, scooter. Trust.

This email just tells you the fraction of things we do, our optimization process involves many other technical factors which can be sent to you on your request. If you would like to know more about our services then please write us back else you can give us a call us in our number mentioned below.

It’s really hard to have the phrase “call us in our number” not be the most noteworthy thing wrong about a sentence, but if you ever write a business email to someone and include the phrase “give us a call us in our number mentioned below” (or a more grammatically correct variation), it’s really important (really, I can NOT stress this enough) to actually include the number somewhere in the email.  I mean, it actually doesn’t have to be “below”; although some idiot like me will probably point out to you that it isn’t.  But really, it HAS be somewhere.  It’s not hard.  I mean, I hid one in this post just for fun.

P.S: – This is our marketing strategy to use a Gmail account. Once you reply us back, we will communicate with you through our corporate Email ID.

You’ve just written a whole email explaining basically how increased visibility is SOOOOO important, and you did so in a purely anonymous email?  That kind of makes you the stalker of the website assistance businesses.  I mean, the first natural thing for me to do after reading all of this is to Google you and see where YOU land in the world of search engine hierarchies.  I probably would have included a link to your business in this post and increased your ranking in the web markets (your tip #4, see, I have been paying attention).

Oh, and “PS” is “post script”, which  means you’re not supposed to use it until after your signature.

Let me know your thoughts and looking forward to work together.

My thoughts are that you should have picked up one more present participle while you were at the word store buying all of those “a”s.

[Name, rank and serial number of email author edited out to protect the idiot and avoid law suits.  Note: this information did not include the name of the company he represented.]

1: This is a onetime email and you may ask us to “REMOVE”.

If this is a one time email, then what is it that I may potentially need to be removed from?  If I request to get removed from a one time email does that mean I get more emails?

2:  If you are interested I will send more details on our “corporate identity”, “company profile”, “why you should choose us?”, “Price list”, “money back” etc. in my next mail.

Why are these things in quotes?  When I put something in quotes (especially air quotes) it’s usually because I’m being sarcastic.  You know like, Bud Light Chelada was an “awesome marketing idea”.  See.  Are you being sarcastic?  Is this whole letter a joke?  Because it sure seems like it.  Did Liquorstore Bear put you up to this?  Because this sure does smack of that little fur ball’s sense of humor.

So there you have it all you site improvement companies out there.  Could you truly help me?  Probably.  Is it worth your time and my money?  Probably not.

TIme for another beer…

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