The Walking Dead “New Best Friends” – With Friends like These

…who needs Negan.

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When we last left Rick and rescue team 6, they had just been bushwhacked (or is that junkwacked) by a new group. Are they new friends? New enemies? Or simply the people you courteously nod to when you pass on the street while you’re out scavenging for the Saviors?

Let’s find out as once again with another non-beer related post (maybe I’ll start to mention the beer I’m drinking while I’m watching to tie it all together) where I run down some random remarks about this week’s episode. As always my comments from this week’s Facebook live chat that inspire these thoughts are in bold. Spoilers.

Morgan wants his stick

Oh man, some douche took Morgan’s non-killing stick. There are rules, douche. Don’t tug on Superman’s cape, etc, etc. And Morgan said “please”.

Seriously, this renders our most prolific non-killer inactive until he gets his non-killing stick back so that he can return to his non-killing ways.

And he will, douche. One night when you least expect it, Morgan will come and not kill everyone between him and you and then not kill you and take his non-killing stick back, because Morgan will not say please again. You’ll be able to feel the non-death in the air.

In the meantime I guess Morgan will just have to sit around and not kill people. What a waste of a non-killer.

NAME!!!

Richard is trying not to let his dick plan go to shit but Daryl’s having none of it. The man with the crossbow asked you a question, Richard. I don’t think he’d have to ask me twice.

And it’s a pretty serious dick plan. Get the Saviors to discover Carol so they can kill her and piss off the guy who thinks he’s king? Holy crap, what kind of ass drain thinks of a plan like that? The kind of ass drain that deserves to have it all go to shit when he’s forced to spill the beans to one of only a handful of guys remaining in the world who would kill him on the spot for even thinking about such a dick plan.

I’d write that scene. Carol gets struck by lightning. Richard shits his pants.

After Daryl gets the name and puts all the pieces together he gives Richard (who we should now just be referring to as Dick) a rundown of things that better NOT happen to Carol, like rug burns, irritable bowel syndrome, even getting struck by lightning – or someone now referred to as Dick is going to get it.

I would totally do that last one just to see the looks exchanged between Dick and Daryl, “Sorry Dick, I said no lightning. Look at the flowers while I get my crossbow.” The comedy element would be hysterical and watching the fans melt down would be more entertaining than this episode was (not that I didn’t enjoy this episode, I just would enjoy watching that more).

A tad unlikely you say? Remember, we’re talking about the woman who walked out into a one lane, one way street and managed to get hit by one of probably only 20 cars that were still running in Atlanta and probably one of only 5 white paneled station wagons still running in Georgia. If anyone can stumble into the way of lightning, it’s Carol.

the-walking-dead-airs-on-sunday-nights-at-9-pm-et-on-amc

We call it Thunderdome.

Yeah, we know there’s no dome here, but Thunderlandfill just didn’t have the right pop, you, know? Still, we have a woman leader with funny hair and combat sports for fun. No, no methane producing pigs or crashed 747s though. Hmmm, guess we’re not at all like Thunderdome.

Synchronized abduction is the new post-apocalyptic Olympic sport.

Did you see the Scavengers walk our gang into their garbage alley and then on command snap together quickly forming two almost perfect concentric circles around them! That’s some high level group capturing choreography right there, folks! It’s as if one of the surviving groups were made up entirely of the more goth inspired members of your local high school marching  band. Stay tuned for the half-time show.

What should we do with this new character? “Give her a Vulcan haircut!” Brillant! And ears!! “No not the ears. Let’s not get carried away.”

Man, I don’t know who Pollyanna McIntosh’s (who I’ve only seen in a horror movie entitled Let Us Prey alongside Davos from GoT) hair artist is but they either had an old, banged, Vulcan wig from any number of old Star Trek shows/movies laying around, or a serious Moe Howard fetish.

I realize that when a character’s life has been reduced to fighting dead people and gathering supplies for others, they may not have the time or motivation to get that slamming haircut that says, “I’m confident, sexy, and the leader of a group of people who live in a junkyard”, but seriously, you could plane wood with those bangs.

Does that one girl have a fucking bicycle pump?

When a scuffle breaks out among the groups I could swear that one lady was leading the charge with an old-time bicycle pump. And I don’t think it’s the non-killing kind of bicycle pump either. That bicycle pump looks like it’s seen some action. My heart aches for a show down between the girl with the killing bicycle pump and Morgan with his non-killing stick. Which could happen soon, because he’s getting that back, trust!

Celebrity death match!!! Rick strikes first with the ice cube tray!

When Rick squares off against Winslow, who is the ZAE (Zombie Apocalypse Event) version of Chopper, the junkyard dog from Stand By Me, (if Chopper were a zombie encased in metal and covered with sharp spikes) it’s in an area that is totally surround by high walls of garbage. The only weapons Rick has are his wits and whatever the Fergusons threw out before the world ended.

It was a kill or be killed moment, so Rick grabbed the first thing that he could, which looked like a large plastic ice cube tray. It shattered pretty easily, so I don’t think it was, but it definitely wasn’t a good first pick from the wall of weapons. But it was a pretty funny moment and staggered this reality’s version of the Tin Man enough for Rick to set up his killer Dim Mak Death Palm, with less than stellar results…

winslow
Your Death Palm Gung Fu is no match for my headdress.

Here we go again folks. I can hear the “this is where Rick finally loses his hand” people now.

I love how this show sometimes dicks with the people who read the comics. Case in point, we all know what happened to Glenn in the TV show, which was the same thing that happened in the comics. And the show twisted that knife several times by having Glenn and a baseball bat intersect several times during the show.

Same can be said with Rick’s hand. Rick gets his hand cut off in the comics and the show has also teased about playing that card several times. This possible time arises when Rick decides to use his Dim Mak Death Palm against Winslow only to be foiled by Winslow’s Metallic Spikes of the Dead.

But eventually Rick gets the upper hand (really, it is upper because it’s stuck on Winslow’s forehead for a bit) and it’s just a matter of pulling a bunch of garbage down on top of the old boy and then dispatching him after some first class coaching from Michonne. Good game guys! Way to play defense!

Drive me home, baby. I’m drunk. Or bleeding out. I can’t tell.

Rick is kind of loopy after his cage match, which is understandable because the dude is losing blood from his hand at about a 0.6 on the Muta scale. Seriously, if you or I had this wound in the real world, we’d have three towels wrapped around it while yelling at the person next to us to drive faster.

But not Rick, he’s a man’s man and even though he’s dropping puddles on the floor like Ric Flair, he still takes the time to have an emotional man-to-man with his priest and go shopping for his girlfriend (more on that below).

The King’s Cobbler, still a better story than The Rock in The Road

Well, it’s taken a ZAE and the loss of her abusive husband, but Carol is final experiencing what it’s like to be one of the pretty girls. She just wants to be left alone, but all the guys keep coming to her house and asking her to the dance.

Here’s a tip for you guys, if you ever have to start a conversation with, “I know you said you just wanted to be left alone…”, then maybe you should reevaluate your decision making process.

But luckily, the man who thinks he’s king has come bearing his majesty’s peach cobbler, which is either simply all the king’s bakers know how to make or the official coin of the realm now. I don’t know which.

I saw that metal cat and I just had to have it! It’s so you! I know, right!

“Victory!! Well, not really. Uneasy understanding!! That’s more like it. So, we got grabbed by this group, I got forced to fight a walker encased in armor and spikes, forged a very, very shaky alliance once I proved my worth and just for the hell of it, I’m taking this metal cat for my girlfriend. Like, I’m not even going to ask. And fuck if it belongs to anyone in this marching band trained, American Pickers group, because I’ve lost half my blood and all I can think of right now is how much I just heart my girl. Whoa! Soooo much blood loss.”

What a missed op, Daryl. If you’d have told Carol the truth she’d have been all, “Really, hold my beer.”

Some people on my FB group disagree with me on this, saying that Carol is broken, needs to find herself, work through her issues, blah, blah. Look no doubt, but here’s the thing, unless the writers deviate from cliche character writing 101, you know it’s going to happen sometime, so my thought is let’s just get on with it.

Carol finding out who Negan killed may be the kick in that ass she needs, because you know, we don’t need mopey, contemplative Carol. No, we need the Carol who goes all John Wick on large groups of evil doers and can blow up a propane tank from 200ft away with a bottle rocket, which was about a 6.5 on the WVIS (white van impossibility scale) but that’s how bad ass Carol is. She could probably even turn Morgan’s non-killing stick into a killing stick. That’s some Baba Yaga level power right there!

carol
“People keep asking if I’m back. And I haven’t really had an answer. But now, yeah, I’m thinkin’ I’m back!”

I ship Daryl and Shiva

Nothing makes me smile more than when a guy and a CGI tiger bond. It’s so heartwarming. Nothing fake about it what so ever. Well, except the tiger.

The Talking Dead were commenting on how funny it would have been to see Shiva pull Daryl through the bars and kill him, BUT NOT SO FAST BOYS! Save that one for later, because Daryl has to be alive to make my Carol getting struck by lightning scene work.

Tell you what, let’s woodshed in the writer’s room and get this all worked out. Lots to do. Plus we have to figure out how Morgan is going to get his non-killing stick back in the most dramatic and violent non-killing way. We may need to get some coffee in here. Looks to be a long night…

…which means I’m outta here! Was this one more shitty than last week’s post? Let me know in the comments and I guarantee it will have no baring on how shitty next week’s is.

Author: Ed (The Dogs of Beer)

Beer Blog focused on Delaware & surrounding area. Drinker of beer. Writer of stuff. Over user of commas. Dangler of prepositions.

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