Class in a Glass – I Channel My Inner Rob Lowe for Elysian’s Loser Pale Ale

Hi! I’m celebrity beer blogger Ed Morgan.

And I’m craft beer purist and big beer conspiracy theorist Ed Morgan.

And I have Elysian’s Loser pale ale.

And I have some God-awful swill produced by some corporate sellouts with no allegiance to the traditions, the ethos or the craft that made them hugely successful. Disguised as Loser.

Although I’m saddened that a great brewery (one of my favs actually) has sold out to A-B, I’m not going to let it harsh my buzz. These things happen in business, and will continue to happen. As long as Elysian is allowed to continue to operate at their previous high standards and creativity, that is all I care about for the moment. And since all parties involved have promised that will be the case, I’m willing to give Elysian the benefit of the doubt until I see otherwise.

And I have it on good authority that black, unmarked Anhueser-Busch vans where in front of the brewery yesterday dropping off masked men in nondescript jumpsuits who busily installed the equipment that infuses the corporate taint whose kovorka I can easily detect in each of their products, but resist with all the passion that truly malted barley and Brettanomyces can muster.

This machine is an affront against the purity of craft beer. It’s primary component being a multi-membraned semi-permeable filter, of which one of the membranes is produced from the bladder of a baby panda which must be harvested while the animal is still alive!

The monstrosity also has an immense carbon footprint, spewing more toxic waste in the air every day than six Mount Saint Helens. It is single-handedly responsible for global warming, the die off of rain forests, your child’s alzehma, and Colony Collapse Disorder (the fact that this puts a strain on the meaderies is icing on the cake).

DH_bomb_sized

Let’s taste.

Let’s choke.

My loser pours a touch under amber, with nice carbonation and minimal lacing. The nose has some light citrus as well as some underlying malt plus some bread. It may lean a hair more hoppy than I like my pale ales, but hey, that’s just nitpicking.

My Loser pours like sewage sludge; thick and sinewy. The color can best be described as craft-ish with obvious bits of dead dreams and betrayed loyalties floating in it. When not in direct light I detect the slight toxic-waste like glow that tainted beers exhibit. The contamination is particularly visible under blacklight. Despite being labeled a pale ale, Loser contains no trace of tantalizing hop aroma to my nose, just a dank staleness that reminds me of mothballs, musty books and old people.

Nice flavor. The citrus hops are apparent, but not over bearing, as well as a nice touch of spice. The beer also benefits from support in the form of flavors of malt, perhaps a touch of honey. The finish is clean, slightly sweet and doesn’t leave you overwhelmed by the hops. I had no problem going through a couple of these.

Disgusting. Insipid. Lifeless. While my Loser gives a feeble attempt to pass itself off as a craft beer, one can easily see through its charade. The flavor is flat, as if everything that once made this beer one of the hallmarks of the craft beer world has been sucked from its very soul. And then there’s that aftertaste, that trademark twang of corporate taint that divulges its “big beer” connection. It puts me in the mind of the lingering taste in the mouth that one would wake up to three to four days after gargling with a mouthful of gasoline. Its unmistakable to me.

My Loser is a solid pale ale, and as long as A-B allows them to continue to make beers of this quality, I am willing to take a “the proof is in the bottle” stance with Elysian products in the future.

My Loser has already been stripped of everything that made it great. I am never buying this, or any other Elysian beer, every again.

You do realize that I bought this beer only days after the announcement so it was produced way before they were bought by A-B.

Doesn’t matter. Corporate taint lurks in every beer that is made. Possibly breed into the unnatural GMO ingredients that those satanists use to produce their vile refuse, and are secretly selling to unsuspecting craft breweries through underworld cartels disguised as reputable malt dealers.

The taint lays dormant in every beer waiting to be activated, just like the zombie virus in The Walking Dead. Once a craft brewery allows itself to join the unearthly fold , the infection changes all of their beer forever.

I thought you said they needed a machine to infuse the corporate taint?

Yes! That too! *looks around suspiciously and whispers* But that’s a higher level of taint. Far stronger than they’ve secretly been introducing into craft beer production.

Don’t be this me.

loser-2
Left – Elysian Loser Pale Ale.   Right – Supposedly Elysian Loser Pale Ale under blacklight.

 

 

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Author: Ed (The Dogs of Beer)

Beer Blog focused on Delaware & surrounding area. Drinker of beer. Writer of stuff. Over user of commas. Dangler of prepositions.

4 thoughts on “Class in a Glass – I Channel My Inner Rob Lowe for Elysian’s Loser Pale Ale”

  1. My issue has never been that they’ll sap the quality out of Elysian immediately. For now, you don’t kill the fatted calf. My issue is giving money to a corporation that seeks to subvert the things I stand for. ABInBev is going to take that money and lobby states to allow them to buy distributors or to keep brewery caps low or to not allow small breweries to sell on-site. That’s not a conspiracy, that’s documented fact.

    1. This post was aimed solely at the people who believe the quality of the beer from Elysian will suffer because they’re now owned by A-B. As an inspiration, I pulled on conversations I’ve had with several people (a couple in the industry) who basically said, “look at Goose Island”.

      I can’t comment to that because I was never drawn to GI’s beers to begin with. But since I carry a flag that says that Delaware’s Fordham and Dominion still make quality beers while being owned almost 40% by AB (and I realize in the business world there’s a huge difference between 40 and 100), I can’t be a hypocrite and immediately assume that Elysian’s quality is going to suffer by association.

      As to my views on A-B’s business practices, well I’m a bit numb to it because I work for a big corporation and I see the swarmy crap ALL of them try to pull with lobbies, etc.

      As for giving money to A-B. I don’t buy GI beers because I’ve never been drawn to them. I never even heard of 10 Barrel until recently and although Elysian is one of my favorite breweries, because of the way I drink beer, that probably only gets them about $20 a year. I’ve never even bought a six of Loser until the other day when I wanted some to do some photos and a review; and realized driving into work today that I never picked up a bottle of Bifrost over the holidays.

      So I could join the revolution, but I don’t think that would make an impact. However, if I run into people who do want to learn the full story I will definitely point them to your article as I believe you made a great statement about why people should care about the way A-B is doing business.

      That’s just not where my focus was on this post.

      Cheers!.

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